Get Real Mondays

So, my best friend, Tanna, gets a lot of comments from people that read her blog and say that her life is perfect etc. So she challenged herself and others to start a "Get Real Mondays" post where we are just honest about our lives etc. Now I don't get comments like that about my blog, but maybe that's because I don't post often enough to get many comments of any nature. ;) Regardless, I've been thinking about it for a while - thinking about the need to be more vulnerable with others. I'm not always very good at that. So I thought I'd give this thing a try. It feels odd to me to blog about how I'm feeling because I don't really like the idea of having all kinds of people read my thoughts and feelings. To me that is fairly private. And I still believe that there are things that need to be kept to myself or at least saved for a one-on-one conversation with someone. However, I just feel burdened that I should blog about what's been going on with me over the past 5 days.
So here it goes:

A few months after Caleb was born, I started having some weird symptoms, lots of pain and stiffness in my joints, especially in my feet. It was really bad when I would get up in the middle of the night to feed Caleb, and at times I was afraid I was going to fall because it was difficult to walk. Eventually I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and put on steroids and another med. The meds helped to a degree, and then my rheumatologist gave us an ultimatum: either get on the really strong meds or get pregnant w/in the year (if we are wanting to have more kids). Marc and I decided that it would be best to go ahead and finish having babies (atleast biologically), so that's how we ended up with 2 amazing children that are just 22 months apart. Anyways, I wouldn't change that for anything. During my pregnancy with Karis the rheumatoid went into remission (which it does for 75% of women during pregnancy), and we were so thankful for the relief. Marc and I started talking about praying and asking the Lord to take it away - that it wouldn't come back after Karis was born. My doctor had been preparing me that about 6-8 weeks postpartum I would have a bad flareup and need the strong meds (which I am very afraid of). Marc was asking the Lord for this, but I was having a hard time with it - I think because it's one of those things that hurts too badly if He says no.

So, fastforward, and I am now 3 1/2 weeks postpartum, and I have been having rheumatoid symptoms for about 5 days now, since last Thursday. It really took me by surprise. I just never thought it would come back so quickly after Karis was born. I thought I at least had the first 6 weeks. And so I have been grieving for 5 days, and scared to death for 5 days. Grieving because it seems as though I will have an autoimmune disease for the rest of my life. Grieving because it changes the direction of our lives. Scared because it's hard enough right now to take care of Caleb and Karis, but how will I do it when I can barely walk because I'm hurting so bad? Scared because I know that the RA meds are so strong and have some awful side effects. Scared and hurting. And I've kept this all to myself. The only person I've shared any of it with is Marc...until now.

I'm working on turning the grief and fear over to the Lord and just trusting Him with all of this - whatever it ends up looking like. I know that I can trust that whatever the Lord gives me is for my good. But I am also asking the Lord to take it away. I will continue to pour out my heart to him and ask Him to heal me, and I will wait for an answer. And whatever that answer is, I will trust that it is best. Because ultimately I want His will, not mine. But I think He wants His children to come to him and pour out their hearts and ask for what we think we need. And just like a good Father, He gives us what is best. He knows what I truly need. So if the symptoms get worse and I have moderate to severe rheumatoid for however many years, I know that I can trust Him in it. I just pray that I have the right attitude in the midst of the pain. I love the author Elisabeth Elliot. One of the most life changing phrases for me has come from one of her books. She says that in every situation, in every circumstance in life we have a choice of how we react. We can clench our fists at God and fight it and Him, or we can open both hands wide and accept, even embrace, what He gives us. I choose the latter. I choose to trust Him, hands open wide.

They're growing so fast

Sometimes I forget that Caleb isn't 2 just yet - he definitely seems older than he is in several ways. He turned 23 months old on Wednesday. But he is talking more than most 2 yr olds I know, and he's definitely been throwing the 2 yr old tantrums lately :) He is such a sweet boy and has been a big helper to me in many ways. He likes to help give Karis her pacifier, throw away her diaper, clean up his messes and many other things. It's also been a big challenge to have 2 kids under 2. We wake up in the morning and all 3 of us are hungry, both of them need their diaper changed, and both are crying b/c I can't do it all fast enough! I'll definitely be glad when Karis is old enough to get her on a schedule and I can stagger things a bit so that it's not so chaotic. Anyways, we've been loving this weather and have gone to the park to feed the ducks several times in the last week. Caleb loves the new stroller we got. It's a sit-n-stand, but the lightest one I could find (only 20 lbs when most are 40!) and it's more compact than the others. I love it! Thanks mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, and Kevin and Missy for the great gift!




He loves to give his big "cheese" face for the camera!
Caleb and his cousin, Grayson, wrestling. No one taught Caleb how to do this. How is it that boys just know how to tackle and wrestle?

Caleb also loves to get horsie rides from his daddy.
Another thing you don't have to teach boys to do - he just picked up the gun and knew to point and shoot!
Karis turned 3 weeks old on Thursday. She's doing well, still fairly laid back and sleeps pretty well. We've had a couple of scares with her, but she's ok. Last Saturday night she started spitting up and choking on it b/c it didn't actually come out of her mouth. So then she was choking and struggling to breathe and making this horrible noise. Anyways, she continued to have some trouble breathing for over an hour. But she never turned blue etc. We stayed up with her and debated taking her to the ER, but she eventually calmed down. Our pediatrician said that it's a form of reflux and that they will eventually catch their breath. She still does it and makes the noise like she's struggling to breathe, but I'm getting used to it, well sort of. As used to it as a mom can get, I guess. Anyhow, we are otherwise doing well and just trying to all get enough sleep! Karis doesn't seem to have a problem with that :)