Get Real Mondays

So, my best friend, Tanna, gets a lot of comments from people that read her blog and say that her life is perfect etc. So she challenged herself and others to start a "Get Real Mondays" post where we are just honest about our lives etc. Now I don't get comments like that about my blog, but maybe that's because I don't post often enough to get many comments of any nature. ;) Regardless, I've been thinking about it for a while - thinking about the need to be more vulnerable with others. I'm not always very good at that. So I thought I'd give this thing a try. It feels odd to me to blog about how I'm feeling because I don't really like the idea of having all kinds of people read my thoughts and feelings. To me that is fairly private. And I still believe that there are things that need to be kept to myself or at least saved for a one-on-one conversation with someone. However, I just feel burdened that I should blog about what's been going on with me over the past 5 days.
So here it goes:

A few months after Caleb was born, I started having some weird symptoms, lots of pain and stiffness in my joints, especially in my feet. It was really bad when I would get up in the middle of the night to feed Caleb, and at times I was afraid I was going to fall because it was difficult to walk. Eventually I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and put on steroids and another med. The meds helped to a degree, and then my rheumatologist gave us an ultimatum: either get on the really strong meds or get pregnant w/in the year (if we are wanting to have more kids). Marc and I decided that it would be best to go ahead and finish having babies (atleast biologically), so that's how we ended up with 2 amazing children that are just 22 months apart. Anyways, I wouldn't change that for anything. During my pregnancy with Karis the rheumatoid went into remission (which it does for 75% of women during pregnancy), and we were so thankful for the relief. Marc and I started talking about praying and asking the Lord to take it away - that it wouldn't come back after Karis was born. My doctor had been preparing me that about 6-8 weeks postpartum I would have a bad flareup and need the strong meds (which I am very afraid of). Marc was asking the Lord for this, but I was having a hard time with it - I think because it's one of those things that hurts too badly if He says no.

So, fastforward, and I am now 3 1/2 weeks postpartum, and I have been having rheumatoid symptoms for about 5 days now, since last Thursday. It really took me by surprise. I just never thought it would come back so quickly after Karis was born. I thought I at least had the first 6 weeks. And so I have been grieving for 5 days, and scared to death for 5 days. Grieving because it seems as though I will have an autoimmune disease for the rest of my life. Grieving because it changes the direction of our lives. Scared because it's hard enough right now to take care of Caleb and Karis, but how will I do it when I can barely walk because I'm hurting so bad? Scared because I know that the RA meds are so strong and have some awful side effects. Scared and hurting. And I've kept this all to myself. The only person I've shared any of it with is Marc...until now.

I'm working on turning the grief and fear over to the Lord and just trusting Him with all of this - whatever it ends up looking like. I know that I can trust that whatever the Lord gives me is for my good. But I am also asking the Lord to take it away. I will continue to pour out my heart to him and ask Him to heal me, and I will wait for an answer. And whatever that answer is, I will trust that it is best. Because ultimately I want His will, not mine. But I think He wants His children to come to him and pour out their hearts and ask for what we think we need. And just like a good Father, He gives us what is best. He knows what I truly need. So if the symptoms get worse and I have moderate to severe rheumatoid for however many years, I know that I can trust Him in it. I just pray that I have the right attitude in the midst of the pain. I love the author Elisabeth Elliot. One of the most life changing phrases for me has come from one of her books. She says that in every situation, in every circumstance in life we have a choice of how we react. We can clench our fists at God and fight it and Him, or we can open both hands wide and accept, even embrace, what He gives us. I choose the latter. I choose to trust Him, hands open wide.